


I'm paralyzed (still stuck in that time when we called it love)

by zialling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Liam-centric, M/M, Quite sad tbh, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-04
Updated: 2013-04-04
Packaged: 2017-12-07 11:38:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/748107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zialling/pseuds/zialling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He couldn’t recall when it started, but he knew how. His usually twinkling blue eyes began to adopt a jealous green shade and those pink plump lips gradually stopped caressing his own with soft and caring kisses and instead slipped bad concealed hurtful comments"</p><p>or the one story about Louis slipping out of Liam's grip based on Payphone by Maroon 5</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm paralyzed (still stuck in that time when we called it love)

**Author's Note:**

> This is an edit of an old story of mine and also my first on here, so yeah. Go easy on me.  
> English is not my native language, so I apologise in advance for mistakes. 
> 
> Enjoy.  
> Sophie

Yeah, I, I know it's hard to remember  
The people we used to be  
It's even harder to picture  
That you're not here next to me

He’s sitting there on the green couch, hands forming fists and face pointing down towards the floor, eying the carpet. That old, ugly carpet with coffee and tea stains: silent proofs of shared clumsiness and endless, sometimes tipsy, nights of dancing. They figured that out together, coffee in the morning in the early sunlight that slipped through the windows and tea in the middle of the night after clubbing. It was special because it was precious time together. A slight tugging at his heart tells him to stop remembering and he tries to shake it off. He doesn’t want to get stuck in the past. His deep chocolate eyes move over the walls, recalling when they painted them yellow, a colour proposed by him, of course. He would never suggest such an odd shade, but he was persuaded, easily. Like any other time. How could he ever say no to sparkling light eyes and pleading words that spoke of summer? His tanned cheeks turned yellow when they kissed, his fingers would never let him go. They accustomedly trailed over the skin, the feeling of their heat never ending to mesmerize him. The white curtains in the windows trigger more memories. He had made them herself – never been able to sew but he always welcomed a challenge. It was a surprise for him when he came home from America, that first time. When they still were blinded in love. 

I'm at a payphone trying to call home  
All of my change I spent on you  
Where have the times gone  
Baby it's all wrong, where are the plans we made for two?

He’s lonely. He’s living his dream, but he misses him. He misses his mischievous smile and their hands intertwined. The way he smells when he always wakes up first and cuddles into his sleeping body. He misses long nights cuddled up together on the sofa, pretending to be excited for another story about love and happy endings. He was never into that. He’s tossing and turning in his sheets, trying not to be eaten alive by the sadness that threatens to take over his mind and body. He’s aware that fighting it doesn’t help; he can’t hide from the loss in his heart. The darkness is creeping around him and he should sleep. There are a lot of things that need to be done tomorrow: interviews, performances, signings. He needs to close his eyes and drift away to sleep. But the loneliness has a hold on his heart he physically can’t battle and he reaches for his phone, dialling the only number he has ever known by heart. He was never good with numbers – they used to play this game, first to twenty one, and he lost every time. It didn’t make sense to him like it did to Louis. And now he sits here, considering calling. He knows that they’ve changed. There’re not what they used to be anymore, even though it’s not official. He just knows. But he’s still in denial and he calls. Signal after signal passes and no one picks up. He isn’t picking up though he should. It’s the middle of the day over there in the UK. He should answer. He should answer and tell him that it’s alright, we’re fine but he doesn’t, because they’re not. They were crushed between the dreams, and not together. 

You turned your back on tomorrow  
Cause you forgot yesterday  
I gave you my love to borrow  
But just gave it away

It took a while for him to figure it out, with a little help from a blond haired rude, “are you blind mate, can’t you see it” but helpfully, honest friend. He had needed someone to shake him out of his oblivious dream state and by that open his eyes. He couldn’t recall when it started, but he knew how. His usually twinkling blue eyes began to adopt a jealous green shade and those pink plump lips gradually stopped caressing his own with soft and caring kisses and instead slipped bad concealed hurtful comments. They stopped spending time at home in their love bubble and replaced the occasional nights out with only those and in a larger number. His mood swings grew more severe and he couldn’t really handle it like he used to. He constantly ranted about the pretty girls and the pretty boys he met through his job even though he should be well aware that he only ever had eyes for him. He stopped telling him how proud of him he was and his eyes lacked their glimpse when he came back from a long time apart. They even stopped holding hands, something that always had been their way of staying close together when the world wanted them apart. 

I've wasted my nights  
You turned out the lights  
Now I'm paralyzed  
Still stuck in that time when we called it love

“I’m fucking done with you Liam, do you hear me?” he snarled, ruthlessly pushing and kicking the things in his way. “There’re girls, fuck, there’re boys as well, everywhere, you never have time for me and I can’t stand your fucking mates – they’re driving me insane”. The yelling was just dizziness in his head; he could barely distinguish a word from another. He silently watched him dig deeper, trying to hurt him with all his might. “You think you’re so special now, don’t you? That you’re some big name and that I’ll just adapt your new fancy life? You can fuck off Li”. Like a paper cut – fast, but it stung. Li; it was what he had always called him to show him his love. He usually said it with such a soft tone, one which made him feel calm and perfectly fine. This time he used it to his advantage to tear him apart more effectively, all by reminding him of its usual content. He spit out the nickname – Li – like it was poison in her mouth. He was still quiet; he had expected that this would happen eventually – a breakdown. His jealousy and the cuts from pieces of broken dreams took the best of him and overshined the love for his boyfriend. He didn’t even try to stop it because he knew it was too late. In a way he felt sorry for him, but the sound of his slowly breaking heart deafened that feeling. “Why would they even want you? It’s not like you’re more talented than I am”. The boy he had shared every bit of himself with, the love of his life, stood in front of him tearing everything they’ve ever had together and with that also every chance of forgiveness and forgetting. He couldn’t comprehend this moment and the moments that had led to this specific one. He was still well too focused on the us, while he only saw his own pain. He thought he was a failure and that he’d lost. It wasn’t true, he knew it wasn’t, but he hadn’t the strength to tell him that they both lost the game – they lost their other half and they lost the love that they both had provided each other. Unstoppable in the sand was now long forgotten. 

If happy ever after did exist  
I would still be holding you like this  
All those fairy tales are full of shit  
One more stupid love song I'll be sick

How does love come to an end, just like that? How is it possible to not notice it going downhill, not notice the signs, before it’s too late to repair because it’s already broken? How do you continue to live without that oh-so-comforting-and-saving love? He asked himself a lot of questions, those had taken over his mind. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t find any answers and that drove him insane. And during all this it wasn’t the words Louis had said or things he had done that hurt most, it was the words Louis never said and the things he’d never done. He had planned to take her on a long vacation to Australia, just the two of them. He had asked the management for permission and even ordered the plane tickets. They laid untouched in his pocket while he threw him out of their apartment. He hadn’t voiced his desires of fixing everything and never indicated that he could see them getting married one day. He had given his cinnamon-haired prince unconditional love since the beginning and he couldn’t for everything that’s worth anything understand what he had done wrong. His thoughts being interrupted by the radio, his ears catching the familiar tune to automatically hum along. Another fucking love song. He resists the urge to be sick and urgently puts his trainers on to relieve some stress at the gym. Perhaps some running could numb the pain of his heart breaking. Louis follows him like a shadow, but maybe he could run fast enough for him to not catch up with him. 

I'll be out spending all this money while you sitting round  
Wondering why it wasn't you who came up from nothing  
Made it from the bottom  
Now when you see me I'm stunning

Strong lights and flashing cameras, repeated drum solos and a comfortable warmth. A combination of voices he knew by heart and endless strumming of guitars. He was moving along the stage, kneeling down to touch the hands of so many fans as possible as a way of thanking them for being there. A way of thanking them for getting him there in the first place. He gets up on his feet, facing the crowd, well aware of his crew standing behind him. The happiness in everyone’s eyes, everyone in the stadium, told him the answer he had been looking for. He was there because he deserved it. No one could say that he hadn’t fought for it, not even him. He couldn’t bring him down, because he made it from the bottom to the top and that by fighting for what he had always wanted. A full on grin cracks his features and for the first time for a while he feels genuinely happy. A flashback hit him; messes in the kitchen, kissed in the bedroom, toothpaste in the bathroom, holding hands in the car, cuddling in front of the telly. Their life together flashes in front of his eyes though he don’t flinch, he welcomes it but then lets it drift away. That period of his life was over and he can now move on. He’ll find someone else worth spending his last coins on the payphone for.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for making Louis a jealous bastard, he's actually fucking great.
> 
> Hope you liked it :)


End file.
